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The Last Meal

Three prisoners are waiting to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.

The Trini responds, "A chicken Roti." The warden serves him his Roti, and then escorts him to his execution.

The Jamaican requests Jerk Pork. The warden serves him his Jerk Pork, and then escorts him to his execution.

The Bajan requests a bag of plums. The warden asks: "plums???"

"Yes,plums" says the Bajan.

The warden replies, "but them outa season!"

"So?" replies the Bajan. "I gine wait..."  

One Sunday Morning

Sunday morning in Bedford Stuyvesant, New York. The church is packed and the devil decides to pay a visit. 

The doors burst open; a black cloud rolls in with the devil in its midst. People jump out of the pews and run outdoors, screaming - all except for two people. One is the Pastor, the other is a West Indian.
 
Satan is a bit perplexed. He points to the Pastor and says, "You! I can understand why you didn't run away, you are in your Lord's house, you preach against me everyday and you aren't afraid of me. 
But YOU (points to the West Indian), why didn't you run out scared like everyone else?"
 
The West Indian crosses one leg over the other and replies, "See one, see de other! I been married to you sister for 36 years!"

Mi Mudduh Get Lick Dung!

A bus was involved in an accident on the busy Half-Way Tree Road on Friday afternoon.

As expected, traffic came to a stand-still, and a large vocal crowd gathered. A male reporter from one of our 'big' newspapers, anxious to get his story could not get near the bus or the victim(s). Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, " Unnuh let me through!  Let me through! A mi madda get lick-dung. "

The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the bus was a donkey. 

A Fly In The Beer

One day, a Trinidadian, a Jamaican, and a Bajan walked into a rum shop together. They proceeded to each buy a Banks Beer. 

Just as they where about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their beers. 

The Trini pushed his beer away from him in disgust. 

The Jamaican fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. 

The Bajan picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling. "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU IGRANT BRUTE!" 

Ah Cuss Out De Boss

   Two West Indians were drinking in a bar and complaining about their boss that he was a real pain in the butt always giving them a hard time. The next day they met at bar again and the Bajan began boasting to the Trini, "boy ah cuss out de boss man real good, and when ah done, ah ask 'e fuh a raise and he gih it to me." 
    Trini looked at Bajan in suprise and asked "you mean he did'n fire you?". So the next day Trini went in to work and began to cuss up the boss who looked at him and promptly fired him on the spot. 
    That afternoon when Trini met Bajan in the bar again, he told him what happened earlier. Bajan explained "Trini muh friend, when I cuss de bossman, I cuss he in muh mind." 

Ahh, Bee Wee

A guy sitting at an airport bar notices a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thinks to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant; but which airline does she work for?"  
 
Hoping she'll speak with him, he leans towards her and says, "Love to fly . . . and it shows!"  She gives him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thinks to himself, "she doesn't work for Delta."
 
A few seconds later, another slogan pops into his head. He leans towards her again, "Something special in the air?"  She gives him the same confused look. He mentally kicks himself and scratches American Airlines off of the list.  
 
Next he tries United, saying "I would really love to fly your friendly skies!" This time the woman barks back at him "Man, wha you want?" 

The man smiles, then slumps back in his chair . . .  "Ahhh, Bee Wee". 

A Guyanese And A Trini

A Guyanese man is having breakfast one morning; coffee, croissants, bread, butter & jam, when a Trini man, chewing gum, sits down next to 
him. 
The Guyanese ignores the Trinidadian who, nevertheless starts a conversation. 
Trini: "You Guyanese folks eat the whole bread?" 
Guyanese:(in a bad mood): "stupid, of course." 
Trini:(after blowing a huge bubble) " We don't. In Trinidad, we only eat what's inside. The crust we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Guyana.
The Trini has a smirk on his face, and the Guyanese man listens in silence.
Trini: " Do you eat jelly with the bread? 
Guyanese: " Of course we do." 
Trini:(cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't in Trinidad, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them,transform them into jam and sell the jam to Guyana." 
Guyanese: "Ayo use condoms fuh sex in Trinidad?" 
Trini: "Why of course we do" (the Trini says with a big smirk).
Guyanese: "And wha ayo a do wid de condoms aftuh?" 
Trini: "We throw them away of course." 
Guyanese: " Abe na do da. In Guyana we put dem in a containa, melt dem down into chewing gum and sell them to ayo Trini people...nice talkin wid u."

A Matter Of Sight

The First speaker from England spoke:  "At last years' conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself."
"After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." The crowd cheered.

The second speaker from America spoke: "After last years' conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his Laundry and that he would have to do it himself. 
After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well." The crowd cheered.

The third speaker from Jamaica spoke: "Hafter las' year conference wen mi go ome an tell mi usband seh mi nah do nuh more cookin fi im nor cleanin nor shoppin, an dat im woulda haffi do dem imself. 
Hafter di fus day mi nuh si nothin. Hafter di second day, mi still nuh si nothin neither. But hafter di third day, as the swelling go dung, me coulda si a  likkle bit outta mi left eye."

A Mental Test

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they
were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.  Edna
promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the  bottom and pulled Jim
out.

When the medical director became aware of Edna's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Edna the news he said, "Edna, I have good news and
bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able
to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindness. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

A Simple Friend vs A Real Friend vs A Trini Friend

A simple friend has never seen you cry.
A real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears.
A TRINI FRIEND CAUSE DE DAMN TEARS IN DE FUS PLACE
                     >>>>>>>
A simple friend doesn't know your parent's first names.
A real friend has their phone numbers in his address book.
A TRINI FRIEND KNOW WHERE DEY LIVIN', WHAT DEY COOKIN' ON WHAT DAY, AND WILL SHOW UP AT THEIR DOORSTEPS
                     >>>>>>>
A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party.
A real friend comes early to help you cook and clean
A TRINI FRIEND COME LATE, BRING A SET OF PEOPLE AND THEN TALK ABOUT YOU WHEN ALL DE FOOD AND BOOZE DONE
                     >>>>>>>
A simple friend hates it when you call after they have gone to bed.

A real friend asks you why you took so long to call.
A TRINI FRIEND SCREENIN' DE CALL AND DOH ANSWER WHEN IS YOU
                     >>>>>>>
A simple friend seeks to talk with you about their problems.
A real friend seeks to help you with your problems.
A TRINI FRIEND WILL LISTEN TO YOUR PROBLEMS AND CRY WID YOU, EVEN OFFER TO HELP YOU, THEN TELL EVERYBODY AND ADD A LITTLE MORE JUICE TO THE STORY
                     >>>>>>>
A simple friend wonders about your romantic history,
A real friend could blackmail you with it.
A TRINI FRIEND WILL BLACKMAIL YOU AND STILL TELL EVERYBODY
                     >>>>>>>
A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest.
A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps himself.
OH GOSH...A TRINI FRIEND OPEN YUH FRIDGE, CLEAN IT OUT, COMPLAIN YUH AIN'T HAVE ENOUGH, THEN TELL DE WHOLE NEIGHBOURHOOD DEY MOUTH WAS DRY

Perfume

An elderly Bajan lady is in an elevator in a high rise apartment building in New York, going to visit some relatives. 

A beautiful young white woman gets in smelling like very expensive perfume. She turns up her nose at the old woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio, Beverly Hills, $120.00 an ounce." 

The elderly lady with a deadpan expression says nothing. 

Another young and beautiful woman smelling expensive, enters the lift, turns, looks down her long pointed nose at the old lady and says "Chanel No.5, Paris, $200.00 an ounce." 

The lift is now filled with the aroma of the magnificent scents of the 
combined perfumes. 

One floor later, as the Bajan lady approaches her destination, she quietly 
eases out a long silent burst of gas, which quickly overpowers the combined expensive perfumes and leaves the two women with water in their eyes. 

As she steps out of the elevator, she turns and says "Breadfruit, Barbados, 36 cents a pound."

Boots: A Trini and a Guyanese

      There was once a Trini and a Guyanese who lived next door to each other.  The Trini owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.
 
One day the Trini looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Guyanese's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Guyanese pick up the egg.
 
The Trini ran up to the Guyanese and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Guyanese disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Trini said, "Back home, we  normally solve disputes by the following actions:
I kick you in your kook-a-looks and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the kook-a-looks and time how long it takes for me to get up, whomever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Guyanese agreed to this and so the Trini went inside and found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Guyanese and kicked him as hard as he could in the balls.
 
POW!
 
The Guyanese fell to the floor clutching his groin howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Guyanese stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you,"

The Trini said, "Nah, keep the egg."

Jamaican Bus Driver 

      Ever wonder what it would be like if Jamaican buses were set up like airlines, with the flight attendant and captain giving safety instructions? 

     Bus driver speaking on the intercom:  Welcome to Bus numba 40 running from Papine to Down Town Kingston.  Please direct yuh attention to di ConDucta who will instruc' yuh on our safety and model features. 

  ConDucta:  Hail up massive!  We want yuh fi know dat yuh a ride pon di safes' bus dat run pon di Papine to Downtown route.  The moggle of our bus is a 1980 Encava, own and operate by Rough Rider transports.  Dis moggle can survive any adversities an' cantravasies.  As unnu can si dis bus get nuff lick up an' bad man shot it up nuff time  an' it still a drive like new! 

   This bus seat up to 55 passenger, howeva, due to fi we commitment to excellent service, we no leave anybady straddling ina di streets.  So expect to 'ave up to 140 people in yah by di time we reach downtown.

    Durin' di journey we may encounta unexpected turbulences.......... dese are known as pot holes. In di case of a sudden bump please refrain fram bawlin' out "Lard Jesus mi dead now!"  Our driva is an experience driva an' will mek sure di axle an' wheel noh bruck aff ina one a dem.  But in case we drap inna one an ca'an come out. 

    Please do not climb troo di window dem til unnu pay unnu bus fare....... or I will shat unnu r*ss wid mi 45. 

   Dis bus no equip wid seat belt.  Please hole on pon di railin' when dibus a tun di cana dem.  De bus is capable of drivin' pon 2 wheels 'roun' all canas an' bends.  When di bus a tun one wicked cana pon 2 wheelie, wi ask dat we seated passengers bear it if s'maddy slide dung inna dem seat an' squash yuh 'gainst di bus side.  We seated passengers may experience standin' passengers losin' dem balance an' falling ova pon unnu ... please no yell out, "ey batty bway, coom aff a mi r*ss lap!"  Dat might cause a serious shootout! 

   On exiting de bus please don' expect di bus to come to a full stop.  Wi askin' dat yuh hop aff a di bus an' step skillfull .... if unnu drap an' lan' pon unnu backside an' bruck sinting, Rough Rider noh response. 

  Dis is NOT a non-stop journey.  As a matta a fact wi stop any which part wi waan fi stop, at every yaad gate - all ina miggle road wi stop.  Howeva dis bus noh stop fi police  ... in case of an unexpected police  chase, the driva will be forced to increase de bus' normal speed from 100 mph to 160 mph.  Yuh will be instructed to hole on tight an shet unnu mout. 

     In case dis bus is hijacked by a teroris' known as "Pickpocket", hole di bway an' murda 'im, to r*ss.  Dat said, if wi reach downtown inna wan piece please prepare fi new passenger fi shoob unnu dung before unnu can get aff  Noh mine dem ..... seat kina ration. 

   Tank yuh for tekin' di iriest Rough Rider Encava pon di route.... and  hope you enjoy di ride. 

Mango Season

    Three men were sentenced to die - a Chinese, a Jamaican, and Trinidadian.
    On the day they were sentenced to hang, the priest asked each man - "what's your last wish?"
    The Chinese said "Give me a moo goo gai pan." After he ate the meal, they hung him.
    The Jamaican was next. He said "give me some ackee, saltfish and jerk chicken."  After he ate his meal, they hung him too.
    The Trinidadian then gave his last wish. He said: "Well, its a very long time that I haven't sucked a mango."
    The priest replied: "Sorry, its not mango season."
    The Trini replied: Well, I will wait."  

A Big Shot Trini
(This could have been any other Caribbean person)

    Big shot trini, Joe grew up in Barataria by Jumbee bridge, then went away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to T&T because he felt he could be a BigShot at home. He really wanted to impress everyone.  So he returned and opened his new 
    law office on St Vincent Street among the big sawatees.
     
    The first day, he saw a man coming up the passageway.  He decided to create a big impression for this new prospective client when he arrived. As the man came to the door Joe grab up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking. 
     
    "No. Absolutely not.  You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million.  Yes, the Supreme Court has agreed to hear that case next week.  I'll be making the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide the necessary support." 
     
    He went on playing himself, "Okay, tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details." 
     
    The "conversation" went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently and quite unperturbed as Joe rattled instructions filled with endless legal jargon.  Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man, "I'm sorry for the delay but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"
     
    The man replied, "I'm from TSTT, the telephone company, I came to hook up your phone."   

Only A Jamaican...

           There were three men from the Caribbean living together in London;  a Trinidadian, a Barbadian and a Jamaican who were all starving because they didn't have money to buy food.  However, upon coming close to a posh restaurant they came up with a plan. 

          The Trinidadian went in first. After being seated he ordered a three course meal with white wine. When he had finished the meal the waiter came by with the cheque. 

          "But I paid you!" the Trinidadian shouted. 

          The waiter was very confused as he could not remember being paid, but as he did not want to cause any trouble...he let the Trini leave. 

          Five minutes later the Barbadian walked into the restaurant and ordered a five course meal with red wine.  When he was finished eating, the waiter came by to collect the money for food. 

          "But I paid you!" The Barbadian shouted. 

          This time the manager came and had to calm down the Bajan, and as he did not want anything to upset the other customers he let the Bajan go. 

          Ten minutes later the Jamaican walked in, sat down, lit a cigarette, and ordered the most expensive meal on the menu plus two Red Stripe beers.  After he had finished, the waiter came to collect the money for the meal and before asking for it, the waiter said, "Sir... I have been having a sort of problem all day and I can't understand it. Other people like you came in earlier and ate and they said that they paid me but I don't remember getting any money from them, so........ 

          Before he could finish, the Jamaican chimed in loudly "Hear mi nuh boss, that ah fi yu problem...jus gimme mi change!" 

Carib News Now is dedicated to providing news and daily updates to its customers. Now, Caribbean people where ever you maybe have an opportunity to let your voices be heard as well as share your experiences with the world. E-Mail: editor@caribnewsnow.com
NB: No part of the content on this site should be used without the written permission of the publisher. Copyright 2005, all rights reserved.

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